Aging is a state of mind

The passing of another year recently came amongst overwhelming (well may be not, since I’m still breathing) circumstances – illness, work-stress of epic proportions (which probably accelerated the illness – go figure) and a general malaise: big dark clouds of anxiety and exhaustion. My healing – a conscious effort to batten down the hatches and protect the source – in other dramatic words – me.

I literally went to ground (awfully reminiscent of my favourite Mole  – “The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.” Kenneth Grahame, The Wind in the Willows)

– I went to work (no other rotten choice), I came home and I did just enough to function. I took the time to be kind to myself, to occasionally put myself first and remember just why I’m happy with being me. The sum total of the process (liberally sprinkled with a few curious glances from my other half and the odd “are you ok darling”) is that the phoenix has arisen – well perhaps more appropriately the ash has been shaken off and I’m beginning to preen, liberally.

Oh yes, the big news is I have a secret – being 43 is outrageously fabulous.

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When you want to scream and you can’t

So today there’s nothing erudite, nothing whimsical or insightful. Today is about the fact that I want to scream and cry and yell and vent and I can’t because Wildie is cool, calm and collected.

My mom is 83 and had a full hip replacement on Monday morning –

Monday evening she was fine, talking and lucid –

Last night she was irrational, delusional and confused –

At midnight she phoned my dad from the hospital to tell him she was being kidnapped, she wasn’t – just out of it

My Dad phoned me at 12.15am – his lack of saying said so much – Wildie I need you to fix this, how dad?

The hospital phoned me at 1am to say he was with her and they had given her something to calm her down – he stayed with her until 4am when she fell asleep – she didn’t really recognise him terribly well.

I think I closed my eyes – somewhere between 2 and 4 – hopefully

He phoned me at 6am – in tears – what if she doesn’t come right, what do we do then – I don’t know dad, I can’t fix this one.

8am – she’s much improved, concoction of medicines and anasthetic fighting amongst themselves – dad is smiling though the phone. I’m relieved but will make my own assessment later.

I wanted to collapse last night, I wanted to panic and cry and be a girl and say “Fictitious Someone, you sort it out, you make it right” but you can’t.

My personal descriptive phrase today – road kill.

PS: Yes, I do know I’m whinging – your perceptive observation is immensely appreciated!

PPS: Yes, I know I’m not being nice – it happens.

PPPS: I just realised I have pretty much re-written my own “wearing your game face” post of a some days ago – fabulous, now my own grey matter is turning to sludge – what a horse’s patootey!